God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
where am i from again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
