He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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