Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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