My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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