My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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