Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Randomize
