We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
