When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
