Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
