I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize