I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
