So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is Oprah even human
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
