Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
