they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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