Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
