I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
