Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
