If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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