i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
