his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
