this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
