I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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