she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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