So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
