Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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