he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
