I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
