Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
