Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
