Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
