I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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