Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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