You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
