just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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