Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
