I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
