Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
