i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
