My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
