she woke up with a sticky ear
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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