just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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