remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
