Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
