I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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