I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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