That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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