Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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