i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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