How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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