it's too hot outside to masturbate.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
