when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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