All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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