There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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