Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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