my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
