I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish there were birth control emojis
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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