I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
