I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
