Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you inspire me to be a worse person
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
