She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
