Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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